First and foremost, how are you, I mean, really how are you?
Each year we circle the sun. We get a year older and wiser – hopefully. We spend that year hiking up what feels like mountains, sometimes with rocky terrain, and other times we hit that steady valley where life seems to have a little more flow to it. Wherever you are, know tomorrow is a new day. I read something once, everything changes the good and the bad. That is so true. The challenging days help us value the days that make us feel like we are winning.
I am sitting here in my makeshift office this morning, because who can work inside on a beautiful spring day, and I thought I would reach out and say “Hi”.
I am 62 and going to be 63 soon, amazing how quickly that number increases. As birthdays pass, you start looking a little closer at your life and thinking how you would like to live what you have left.
Over my lifetime, I have held a job since I was 12 years old and a great number of those years as a nurse tucked in at the end. Now, like with any job, there are parts of nursing that I truly loved and there were parts that were very challenging, and some that were devastating. An added challenge was being autistic and trying to navigate all that goes on with rapid changes, noise, deciphering meaning vs intent of conversations, etc. In my 61st year the challenges of navigating the pandemic in the nursing realm and the emotions and opinions of others, surrounding the pandemic, flying at me, my mental health started taking a hit. Not a little hit, a big, giant, autistic burnout meltdown, ugly kind of hit.
Side note:
A couple of years ago, I sat on a lookout of one of our Wisconsin bluffs and watched a hawk swoop and glide back and forth through the air, and I thought, oh to be so free. Free from the confines of societies expectations, free from trying to pretend to fit in, free to feel the wind beneath your wings. I could literally feel in my soul what it must feel like to just soar above the Earth. When I got home, I painted this picture, Be Free. It is hanging on my wall to remind myself that at any time I can set myself free.
Set yourself free
So I did, I set myself free. I took a deep breath, and with my sister’s encouragement, I walked away from the financial security of my job – and nursing, to be honest – in April 2023. I knew it was time because the fear of being unemployed was not as strong as the need to leave my job.
It has been rocky and full of emotions. What is my value now, my purpose? Oh, and the big one, how the heck am I going to pay the bills? But you know what? My mental and physical health have to be in some order, or the rest won’t happen. It is hard because I have been one of those people that works until you are flat on your face. I am like a 2-year-old, “I do it myself!”, not reaching out for help. It is funny how one day God says, “Enough is enough girl!”
So walking away from my job has left me a lot of time (tucked around a part-time job). My executive function skills, without a daily schedule of being at work, have left me a little derailed.
My brain: Do I work on the blog, vacuum the house, take the dog for a walk, do all three, and if so in what order? I need to work on that painting in my art room, oh but I really should prep some more fabric for Eco dyeing and on it goes. It is hard to start something because then I get locked in and it is hard to switch to what else needs to get done. Welcome to my brain……
So today, I told said brain, “lets make a list, then order that list, and then complete the list.”
So….. the flowers and new seeds tucked in the Earth are watered, bird bath cleaned, emails sent, and makeshift outdoor office set up so I can write a new post. So now I get to spend some time with you.
So, again, how are you really?